My Journey to 50: Starting Again, One Habit at a Time

I’ve done this before.

Six or seven years ago, I lost 70 pounds. I was going to the gym six days a week, lifting weights, getting stronger, and becoming more fit than I had ever been. I felt amazing. I was at the lowest weight I’d ever been, but more importantly, I was at a place where I felt strong, capable, confident, and good in my body. I loved going to the gym.

And then COVID happened.

Like so many people, my routines disappeared. The gym wasn’t part of my life anymore, and slowly, the habits that had helped me become the healthiest version of myself began to disappear too. Then life got busy. I took a sedentary job and went from walking 5 miles a day on average to barely 2,000 steps. My parents moved away. My daughter was going through some incredibly difficult things. I was dealing with family responsibilities, work, school, maintaining a house, and eventually preparing for a major move from New York to Kentucky. There was always something that needed to be done. And somewhere along the way, I stopped putting myself on that list.

I gained weight.

I became less active.

My nutrition became an afterthought.

I stopped making time for the things that made me feel good.

And eventually, I became depressed and unhappy with where my life was. Looking back, I can see how it happened. It wasn’t one big decision. It was hundreds of tiny decisions—or sometimes a lack of decisions—that slowly moved me further away from the person I wanted to be. For a long time, I thought my solution was going to be getting back to where I was.

Back to the gym six days a week.

Back to eating the way I did.

Back to the weight I was.

Back to the person I was six or seven years ago.

But I’m starting to think that’s not actually the goal.

I Don’t Want to Go Back

I want to move forward.

I’m 46 now, and I’ve decided that I want to be in the best shape of my life when I turn 50. Not necessarily the smallest. Not perfect. Not someone who never eats something she shouldn’t or never misses a workout.

I want to be strong.

I want to be healthy.

I want to have energy.

I want to feel good in my body.

I want to be physically capable.

And I want to take care of myself in a way that I can actually sustain. That’s where a book that has had a surprisingly profound impact on me comes into this story.

The Book That Changed How I Think About Change.

A few years ago, I read Atomic Habits by James Clear. It became one of my favorite books. I’ve actually recommended it to patients because so much of what it says about behavior change makes sense to me. In fact, there have been plenty of times I’ve thought, This is exactly how I would explain this. The idea that has stuck with me most isn’t simply about creating better habits.

It’s the idea that small actions, repeated consistently, can eventually create significant change. And maybe that’s exactly what I need right now. Because I don’t need another extreme overhaul. I’ve already proven that I can completely transform my life. What I need to learn is how to build something that lasts. So I’m Going to Start Small.

This time, I’m not going to tell myself that I have to completely change my life starting Monday. I’m not going to make 25 resolutions. I’m not going to decide that I’ll suddenly exercise six days a week, eat perfectly, sleep eight hours, drink all my water, hit a certain number of steps, and never eat another piece of something I enjoy.

I’ve tried the “all or nothing” approach before. It works—until it doesn’t. Instead, I’m going to focus on becoming the person I want to be through the things I do repeatedly.

One workout.

One healthy meal.

One walk.

One good night’s sleep.

One decision to put myself back on the priority list.

One day at a time.

And when I mess up—and I will—I’m going to try not to turn one bad decision into a bad week. I get to start again at the next decision. I’m also starting with some new information. Part of taking care of myself means paying attention to what’s actually happening with my health. My recent bloodwork showed that my vitamin B12 and vitamin D levels are low. That’s something I’m going to address with my healthcare providers rather than simply assuming everything is a matter of willpower. Because this journey isn’t just about weight.‍ ‍It’s about health. It’s about understanding my body. It’s about getting stronger as I get older rather than accepting that getting older automatically means becoming less capable. And it’s about recognizing that wellness isn’t one thing.

It’s nutrition.

It’s movement.

It’s strength.

It’s sleep.

It’s stress.

It’s mental health.

It’s relationships.

It’s how we spend our time.

It’s the environments we create around ourselves.

It’s the little things we do over and over again.

Why I’m Writing About This

There’s one other thing I know about myself:

Accountability helps me.

For a while, I worked with a personal trainer once a week. I wasn’t necessarily losing weight, but that appointment kept me from completely falling off track. It gave me somewhere to show up. So I’m creating another place to show up.

Here.

I’m going to use this blog to document my journey—not as someone who has everything figured out, but as someone who knows what it’s like to lose her way and is trying to find her way back. I’ll share the things I’m trying. The habits that work. The ones that don’t.

The workouts.

The food.

The setbacks.

The victories.

The things I’m learning about my body as I get older. And probably a fair amount of honesty about the days when I absolutely do not feel like doing any of it. I’m hoping that writing about this will help keep me accountable. But if someone else happens to read along and recognizes themselves in my story, that’s even better. Maybe you’re also the person who spent years taking care of everyone else. Maybe you used to be active and healthy and somehow lost that part of yourself. Maybe you’re tired of starting over. Or maybe you’re simply wondering if you can still become stronger, healthier, and happier than you are today.

I don’t know exactly what the next four years are going to look like.

And that’s okay.

I’m not trying to predict the outcome. I’m going to focus on the next habit. The next choice. The next day. Because I’m not trying to become the woman I was six years ago.

I’m trying to become the woman I want to be at 50.

And this is where I’m starting.